Happy consumer files claim, anyway

I thought I'd hit the jackpot the day I received a postcard informing me that I was a "Settlement Class Member," and part of a joint Action Law Suit. What could this possibly mean? I hadn't worked with asbestos and been diagnosed with mesothelioma. I hadn't been inconvenienced because my car accelerated out of control. I hadn't found a body part in my tossed salad at a fast food restaurant.

None of the above. Actually, what happened is that my internet service provider (PQR) had `fessed up that it had failed to deliver the speedy service it had promised, i.e., we customers had been fleeced. Oddly enough, I had never felt taken, nor did I experience my internet service arriving at a snail's pace, but I recognized a gift horse when I saw it, and decided to accept the free ride. If other PQR customers were shouting "whoa," I was with them if it meant a windfall in my future.

However, the postcard warned that I had to act fast to file my claim, so I immediately logged on to join with the other members of my "settlement class." I waded through pages of confusing legalese until I felt I needed a lawyer. I dialed the 800 number provided to talk to a court-appointed attorney, free of charge, who had been assigned to my case, and that of tens of thousands of other "defrauded" customers. As far as I was concerned, he was my personal lawyer. After a long wait, and listening to strains of "You Don't Always Get What You Want," Jeremy Bench, Esq., came on the line.

"Mr. Bench, I am a member of the Settlement Class of 2010, and I have a few questions."

"Fire away," he said. Things were looking up. Here I was on the verge of being set for life, and getting free legal advice at the same time. Perhaps I could also get consul on what to do about condo management's slacking off on ground maintenance near my building. But I decided to save that for last.

"What is the status of our case?" I posed to Esquire Bench.

"Pending," he said.

"Pending where?"

"In deposition hell," he responded.

"How long will it be pending?"

"That's hard to know. I have cases pending since the Johnson Administration."

Suddenly, hopes faded and retirement seemed decades away.

"Well, if our case ever gets put on the docket, how much do we Settlement Class Members stand to gain if we win this suit?"

"That depends on a lot of things: category of service, length of time you had PQR's service, and perhaps even your astrological sign."

Leaving it up to the stars didn't sound too promising to me.

"Can you give me a ballpark figure?" I asked.

"As much as 200k or as little as zip." Well, "much" sounded better to me than "zip," so I focused on that to feed my fantasy of sandy, forever beaches.

"If you go to our website, you'll find a calculator box you can use to figure out your potential settlement," said lawyer Bench.

So, I hung up and went back to the website and pulled up PQR's "claim calculator." With palms sweating and heart racing, I began to fill in the blanks to find out my possible take. That done, I clicked on the button that said "calculate" and waited, not caring a hoot about the speed of my PQR service. My financial future was on the line.

And then the answer appeared: I was eligible for the minimum payout of two dollars and change if the suit was settled in our favor -- the Settlement Class of 2010. What a class! What a short-lived fantasy! I wonder if we'll have a reunion.

Barbara L. Smith is a published, produced playwright and corporate speechwriter. She welcomes comments at blsmith283@aol.com.